No One Knows Cont.

"What do you think?" Patricia asked.

    I couldn't think, this wasn't happening, at least not to us. My mind was a heavy blend of colors none of which pleasing to look at. I took in one heavy breath before caving into my escape, holding my breath till it felt as if my lungs were going to burst. Exhaling in a cloud of smoke, everything that was soon to become just another distant memory. We were standing in the same bathroom that had once blanketed every emotion the world always seemed to have tossed at us. Yet, it wasn't enough this time. Her eyes searching my face for a positive answer, an answer that I so desperately wished I could answer in confidence. What did I think? I thought a lot of things all once, but above them all I kept thinking, life. How we make such catastrophically perfect messes. 

She must have sensed my distress, because she quickly wiped her eyes and tried her best to appear calm and collected, that had always been something I had admired about her. Very few can flick emotions right off their face to cloak themselves from judgment, and it seemed as if we had mastered this art against everyone but each other. What did I think? I had to answer her. I couldn’t just let her feel this way. Nothing came to mind. I was staring at a sea of gray hoping for the words to scream at me. The silence continued until she slowly stood up and left me standing there, a black hole burrowing it’s way deep into the pit of my stomach.

I couldn’t move. I was stuck in an immobile train of thought. Looking in the mirror, an inevitable feeling of disappointment lingered in me. Something in me wanted so desperately to fade, to just blend into the vibrant colors on the wall in which I was leaning on. We had devoted precious time and memories in pasting together the collage that made this very wall before me. I was marveling at it, delighting in all the memories that came along with it. Then suddenly, something about that wall made me so angry. Perhaps it was the cold hard surface, something I could only dream of obtaining, or maybe it was the way that it was staring back at me, each individual memory taunting me at it’s own convenience. I had to escape; it had me in tangled in a trance struggling to escape something as fragile as memory. I took in one last deep breath before my emotions shoved me through the door to face everything head on. 

She was curled up in ball on the bed, eyes puffy and red. Just as I was sure my confidence had fled me, and I once again had nothing to say, she mumbled something under her breath. It was merely a softly spoken whisper at first. I stood there unaware of what was going on, fearful as to what she was going to say. She closed her eyes tight, a single tear sledding its way down her bright red cheeks. 

“Don’t give up on me,” she spat out pleadingly before throwing her arms around me squeezing me as if I’d disappear before her very eyes. There was nothing left to say. My best bud needed me and I intended to be there for her, just as she had for me. When she finally loosened her grip enough for me to hug her back, she cried, and held nothing back. Because sometimes after you realize that you’re no longer the only one you live your life for, a cleansing cry is somewhat necessary. 

Being around someone that doesn’t judge you when fall madly into a breakdown, is a rare thing. Staring at her now I knew this was merely another chapter in our epic adventure. We’d survive, that was never a doubt in my mind. Now, whether or not we’d do it with most of our sanity was questionable.