I wondered if i was wrong

I sat there in that chair for hours
Listening to voices of everyone that told me I was wrong
That I was merely betting on a losing horse,
but this time it really hit me hard
Was I tossing money to lose?
I sat in that chair and sped up time
& took a deep look
I was looking to see if this 'trophy'(if you will)
that I spent all this time reaching and dreaming for
would truly make me happy.
I time traveled in that chair &
watched my fake smiles and insecurities play out
Right as I was asking myself
"What was I thinking? How could I be so blinded?"
I caught a glimpse of me
& I looked so miserable
How could anyone spend so much time chasing after something
that makes them feel lower then the ground beneath your bare feet?


In my travels I revisited my grandmother, I sat in her kitchen drinking coffee
waiting for the wisdom she was brewing up to serve me
Like she had so many times before on that very table
Then she laid it out;
S I M P L E
Making everything simple was always something I admired about her.
& then she was gone just as quick as she came
& I was once again sitting on that brightly colored chair peering out
of the window at different world


Curious as to where this magically chair had taken me this time
I turned around, only then did I realize
the loud music that was playing
& the beautiful soul that was waltzing around the room cleaning
I began to cry.

It was as if he were floating towards me
he took a seat and laughed.
& then I realized how much I had genuinely missed his laugh
All I wanted to do was hug him,
but its as if i were bound to this chair.
I cried out my problems, fearful he wouldn't comprehend what I was saying
But of course he did, he always did.
then he asked why I was crying
Confused, I explained that I had just told him.
He replied:
 " No, shit stupid I realize that but WHY are you crying? I heard the story, I witnessed your trouble, I heard your cry but  why moms? That's your problem always willing to give, youve got to learn to dream bigger then people."

then I sat there and thought: WHY AM I CRYING?!
As the smile slowly made its way across my face
I answered him, "because I miss you, because losing you and my grandma was horrible and miss you both everyday of my life....thats why I'm crying"
But when I looked up all I was my stucco white ceiling

As I frantically searched the room for Albert
I realized it was dream that felt beyond real.
:/



xoxo;;
geniece